Journeys of Jack Tripper

It's another Independence Day.
Time for fireworks,
And sparklers,
And parades.
But my favorite part of every July 4
Is that show that happens
Way up in New York.
At Coney Island,
Nathan's Hot Dog stand,
A competition few would understand.
Some are skinny, but most of them
Are fat.
Eatin' hot dogs
In twelve minutes flat.

She gobbled 37.

Posted by Timothy at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Note to regular readers: Mocksession.com is routing to this entry for the time being, to allow everyone who gets their cards and CDs to see all that went into this year's editions. If you don't want to ruin the surprise, back away. If you don't think you're on my Christmas list (and why aren't you? It's up to 85), or are too curious to hold back (or wait until after Christmas, when most of you will be receiving your cards/CDs anyway), click the jump.

Continue reading "Holiday 2007 Omnibus Archive --> all the new songs!" »

Posted by Timothy at 07:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yes, I know you're all anxiously awaiting your CDs. They're going in the mail tomorrow. Here's the hidden track from this year's album to tide you over. Obviously, a parody of Flight of the Conchords.

Christmas Time (4:06) (mp3)

Christmas Time (4:06) (m4a)

Posted by Timothy at 10:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means.

The recording process for Holiday EP 2007 has begun. Note I said "process," and not "recording."

That's Track #1 you're looking at right there. If you missed the past few years of Holiday EPs, you can find them here.

Posted by Timothy at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Elijah Dukes is my daddy. It's true. My momma's real white. Like, albino.

"Elijah Dukes is My Daddy Blues" (2:30, blues, intoxication)

mp3 version (4.3 megs)
AAC/m4a version (2.7 megs)

It's in 12/8 time! 'Cause that's how many kids he has! By how many women! I'm so clever!

BTW, this is the first song I've recorded with my new guitar, who doesn't have a name yet, but it might just be Tiffany. Or Debbie. Or Belinda Carlyle.

Posted by Timothy at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

If you lived in Ohio during the late '80s, this song will make sense to you. If you didn't, but are a football fan, it will make sense to you. I just played it for five women from Connecticut and they looked at me like I was an alien.

Bernie & The Boomer sit together for a meal...

Bernie & The Boomer - mp3 (3:18)
Bernie & The Boomer - m4a (3:18)

The only thing left to do for the Holiday EP is record the new vocals for Single Christmas 2006. Then we can get to drawing the cards... and getting them in the mail. I have to grade 60 finals at some point, too.

"They could agree on just one hero: the mighty Mr. Paul Brown."

Posted by Timothy at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

We've finished recording on all but two songs -- Bernie and The Boomer and Christmas in Bavaria. We just finished mixing This Christmas, and as far as I can tell, it sounds great!

This Christmas - mp3 - 3:13
This Christmas - m4a - 3:13
This Christmas - WAV - 3:13

Posted by Timothy at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's Tuesday morning, 7:00am. I have to be on campus even earlier than usual, so I'm headed out to my car and it's barely warm enough so that I don't see my breath, and I'm angry, because I wish it was.

Something catches my eye, sitting in the middle of my driveway.

It's a cheap cassette tape, unlabeled, the kind you'd get three of at the dollar store.

I throw much junk in the car, grab the tape, and put it in the deck as I head screaming down Northfield Lane.

It takes about two seconds for me to recognize what it is.

It's a tape I haven't seen in at least ten years. It didn't fall out of my car, because I lost track of this tape long before I even bought this car six years ago. I don't know where it came from, or how I got it back.

Here it is, in handy flash-player format.

Or download it. (mp3).

That would be the earliest-known original recording of yours truly. Actually, it's myself, Sicky (now married), Progman (now married), and Barry (now married) in my parents' basement, sometime in fall 1995 or spring 1996. I'm playing the beatbox, I think, and singing. Sicky is playing guitar, though you can only hear him at the beginning and end. I'm not sure what Progman and Barry are doing, but I definitely remember them being there.

That song, the "Ich bin also blau Polka," was written that afternoon. I wanted to see if I could write a polka in 12-bar blues. It's also the only song I know to have actually been on the radio... once... on the Napoleon Sunday afternoon polka show. It might have only made it halfway through before the deejay (also known as my mom) yanked it.

The first verse really is the German version of the English second verse, just badly translated and worse-ly pronounced. I still, internally, refer to my car keys as "meine autotasten."

Anyway, it's a bit of a miracle, because I haven't the slightest idea where this tape came from, and I think it's hilarious, especially my line after the song's over. There's other stuff on the tape I'll record when I have time; a B-side metal version of the same song, and a duet of Stealers Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Sicky and I -- and neither of us know the words. Very strange. Very old.

Very old.

Posted by Timothy at 02:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I know it's your favorite part of the holiday season.

Track one of the 2006 Timothy Burke Annual Holiday EP is in the can. Get psyched! Get ready! It's here!

An Anarchism Christmas (2:22, mp3, other formats coming)

Oh, and the story I promised you yesterday is on its way too.

Posted by Timothy at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

This morning, at 7:00, I walked out to my car to leave for class and found quite an interesting object laying there in the middle of my driveway. I can't begin to describe how bizarre and wonderful this discovery is, from out of nowhere, laying in the middle of my driveway.

The rest of the story in the afternoon.

Posted by Timothy at 08:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

WOXY is dead and gone. The last time I was with a girl, we listened to it. It was a great station; perhaps the greatest. It will be missed.

This weekend is my birthday, so I'll be busy. Here's an old song I once wrote about a girl who liked girls better than boys.

The Next Best Thing

Or use the handy player

Posted by Timothy at 06:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

David Blaine failed at his attempt to break a record that probably wasn't even the record anyway.

I bear witness to the event and testify with The Ballad of David Blaine.

Hey, we all need slump-busters. 2:42

mp3
AAC

Posted by Timothy at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Two new songs. Stewardess is something I wrote in the plane on the way back from Boston in November. Shopping Mall is my attempt to mashup Tara MacLean, Weird Al, and James Taylor. I found the words scribbled in an old notebook, though I don't know when or even remember writing them. As usual, click the name to read the lyrics in a new window.

Stewardess Download mp3, AAC, or WAV length: 2:40
Shopping Mall Download mp3, AAC, or WAV length: 2:57

Posted by Timothy at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Okay, it's not a Lenten song. It might be, as far as you know. That or it's about how long Josh Hartnett's career lasted. But it's really about... something else.

40 Days And 40 Nights (3:52) (click for the lyrics)

mp3
m4a/AAC

Meanwhile, it's my half-birthday. In some parts of the globe, my half-birthday is referred to as "St. Patrick's Day." The bishop back home has apparently decreed it okay for we Irish boys to eat our corned beef despite the fact it's Friday. That kind of misses the point, if you ask me, but whatever.

Last year, on St. Patrick's Day, I was in Nashville, Tennessee. I spent the day at Eddie George's sports bar drinking copious amounts of beer and eating terribly, before my friends arrived and we went out on the town. I chased skirts and rolled with the late D.Lowe, in what was the last night I ever spent with him. It was pretty special, and we had a really great time. There's nothing like the NCAA tournament. Nothing on earth.

Speaking of the NCAAs, I hit 13 of 16 yesterday. I guess that's okay. If you picked Montana, you were doing it purely randomly. Just admit it.

Posted by Timothy at 08:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I have no idea where these ideas come from.

John Mayer Leaves His Girfriend A Pipe Bomb (3:40)

mp3
AAC

Posted by Timothy at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I got fed up with trying to make it sound better. It's still one of the best songs I've recorded, but i have some serious sibilant issues. It's almost becoming a lisp. Ack.

A Single Christmas - 4:30 6mb mp3

Edit: Some people have problems with the main EW server. Here's another one that will work.

A Single Christmas - 4:30 6mb mp3 alternate server

Posted by Timothy at 06:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Not sure what I was thinking.

Frosty 2 - 1:48 2mb mp3

Posted by Timothy at 10:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Wrote and recorded song #1 for the Christmas EP today. Remind me to tune my guitar before recording next time.

Don't Feel Like Christmas At All - 4.6m 3:35 mp3 version

Don't Feel Like Christmas At All - 5.1m 3:35 AAC version for you iPod people

Posted by Timothy at 06:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Needing new material to perform at the Sunday night comedy open mic at the Hangout, I threw together a new jive and recorded it so I'd remember it. It's kind of gross.

Jail - 2mb 2:06 mp3

I arrived and found myself the only white person a room containing about eight other comics. Being that my material is pretty much cracker-ass white boy guitar jamming, I was a bit concerned, but it went over well, considering the main joke was about a guy I knew at the prison, a sweetheart 6'6" 300lb black dude who was in for drowning a guy in a bucket of bleach. I had to leave during some of the other sets; I may sing about some disgusting topics, but I'm not down with gaybashing, which apparently is the core of a lot of these comics' routines.

Ended up staying there until two or so, hanging out with some folks who liked me enough to buy me drinks all night. A few girls were there, for once, celebrating a 21st birthday. The birthday girl was more hammered than I've seen anyone in a *very* long time. Usually people pass out or throw up by the time they get that wasted, but this girl, I mean, WOW. She was a broken woman, and of course attracted about seven guys who were trying to take her home. My friend Chantal got involved and basically picked her up and threw her into a cab to the dismay of the creeps who wanted to take advantage of her. Just another night at the Hangout...

Posted by Timothy at 01:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Don't let me turn the recorder on while I'm drunk anymore.

Dinero (3:26 2.0meg mp3)

Posted by Timothy at 03:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Recorded. Standard disclaimer about the server being fussy applies.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/nextbestthing-demo.mp3 (3:44 5meg mp3)

also, here's something i recorded a few days ago as a joke.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/animefan.mp3 (1:50 1.3meg mp3)

Posted by Timothy at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Current Mood: accomplished

Posted by Timothy at 02:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This song is, in retrospect, some kind of failed attempt to sound like the Rolling Stones. oh well. recorded in the downstairs bathroom for reasons i have yet to understandCock Blockers - 3:30 2.4m mp3it was a clever idea when i came up with it in the car the other day, i swear. and like most of my songs, true stories
--------

Posted by Timothy at 04:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Pegasus was a blast last night. Played an early set of Waterfalls, VD, and Black Gold, then a late set of Gold's Gym Guy, 37, I was Just 15, What The Hell Happened to Jewel? and Handjob on a Churchbus.

Darren informed me he was going to send a demo to some places for me, so I had to "hit the studio" which I haven't done in a few weeks. Luckily Caitlin and Jen were gone this morning.

37 - aka the hot dog song - my new favourite. 2:51
Jailbait 3:05
V.D. (It's Hard Not To Notice) 2:19
I'm In Love With A Lesbian 2:00
Bush Voter 3:27
Blondie's Got A Boyfriend 2:56

I really pumped them out today. Of course, all the important things I had to get done today were left untouched. But that's what Thursdays are for.

Posted by Timothy at 04:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

June 21, 2005 - Pegasus Lounge, Tampa, FL

1. Intro (1:41)
2. (I'm in love with a) Lesbian (3:01)
3. Bush Voter (3:52)
4. It's Hard Not To Notice (VD) (3:30)
5. Blondie's Got A Boyfriend (3:13)
6. Monkeys Coming Out Of Your Ass [Poltz] (3:01)

While I had a few stumbles owing to my songs all being only a day or so old (except for Lesbian, which I played by request) I think it was my best night at the Pegasus. I like my new songs; I think they're better "songs." Bush Voter went over a lot better than I expected. Who knew the Pegasus was a hideout for liberals? All in all, it was just a fun time and I think my voice sounded good for the most part.

May 26, 2005 - Pegasus Lounge, Tampa, FL

1. Intro (1:10)
2. (I'm in love with a) Lesbian (2:50)
3. Haunted (3:14)
4. Cow Brain Sandwiches (3:09)
5. Lights in California (3:33)
6. Handjob on a Church Bus [Poltz] (4:30)
7. Mother's Day/Jennie's Song (4:36)

Handjob went over amazingly well, the whole bar participated. The rest of the night was just okay.

Posted by Timothy at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Courtesy Aaron, it's my full performance at the Pegasus Lounge on May 19th, 2005... I'll put up the May 26th performance tomorrow or Thursday.

I was hammered as shit

1. Intro (1:43)
2. Woke You Up (1:40)
3. Coffee In Your Cup (3:41)
4. Spur-M (2:18)
5. Shawn Kemp Is My Daddy Blues (3:32)
6. Waterfalls [TLC] (3:23)

Posted by Timothy at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

here's the song i wrote that i think kind of sucks but i had five minutes before i have to hop in the shower and go to class, so here it is. maybe you'll like it. it's a lot more honest than i usually am.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/comet.mp3 (4:15, 1.5meg, summer?)

Posted by Timothy at 04:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today's song is titled "Sea."

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/sea.mp3 (900k, 3:31, paranoia)

All my songs seem to be 3:31. Weird. Off to take a midterm I didn't study for.

Posted by Timothy at 01:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Busy week. In the middle of studying for a midterm this afternoon, then teaching, then Team Trivia, then I fly to Ohio tomorrow. So, probably no new songs over the weekend, unless I take my harmonica or subject you all to my parents' woefully out-of-tune piano. Actually, I believe my brother owns a halfway decent bass guitar, so maybe we'll throw something together.

I do have an artifact for today, behind the cut, and yesterday's song. I'll try and write one today but, shit, I have a midterm to study for.

Yesterday's song was written for my performance last night, which went very well. It's about ten minutes long, 9 megs, so be patient. It's the first instrumental I've recorded, but not the first I've written. I'll get to those when I get to them.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/bg.mp3 (9:45, 9megs, HAMMOND B3 ORGAN (i'm becoming an addict))

Posted by Timothy at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Actually just the verses are "new," I came up with the chorus a long time ago.

The Coffee In Your Cup (3meg mp3, 3:41, emo)

Now on a faster server!

Posted by Timothy at 03:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today's song is titled "Home." I think all the beating on my guitar is putting it out of tune. Oh well.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/home.mp3 (4:03, 2megs, cheesy poker references)

Here are the lyrics, I think they are poorly served by my musical abilities.

Bartender, give me just one more
Stonemason's lying on the floor
I'd pick him up but I was told not to do heavy lifting.
Sunglasses perched upon your head
Hair like you just got out of bed
Eyes wide as dinner plates and I'll be damned there's someone cookin'
I'm chuckin' snowballs at the sun
You say it's not all that much fun
Giv eyou the finger and you chase me down into the cellar
Press you up against the wall
You smell rustic just like fall
I take your breath away but I'm so nice I let you have it back

'Cause everybody wants a place they can call their home
A place that makes 'em feel just right
So, c'mon, tell me, baby
Where you sleepin' tonight?

Bartender, can I get a light
I'm throwing down big slick tonight
I got the Hammer but the next hand I'll be floating bullets
You're curlign rocks along my pond
You're throwing bricks and I'm not fond
You know you're safe with me but then again it's barely raining
Give me a sign of what you mean
Can't understand what's in between
The sign and signified I'm semiotic George Steinbrenner
The cafe walls are filled with names
Of people who called and complained
She broke teir hearts but they just didn't learn their lesson on the side

I'm staring rainbows in the eye
You're floating up into the sky
I'd wave goodbye
But I know that you're not really leavin'

Posted by Timothy at 11:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It seems I rip someone new off every day. Fitting that with a hangover I do Tom Waits, though. Also, Day #2 of the artifact project.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/fuckinbirds.mp3 (2:17, 2 megs or so, "fuck")

Here is your artifact for the day.

Posted by Timothy at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I called a girl I like last night and woke her up. I felt bad, and this song just now came into my head.

So I recorded it. Of course, I'll never let *her* listen to it.http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/wokeyouup.mp3 (71 seconds, 400k)

Posted by Timothy at 04:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am doing a performance tomorrow about Spam. I am putting four randomly selected spam emails from my Yahoo! spam folder to music.

Here is a preview I just recorded.

http://www.entertainmentweakly.com/music/spur-m2.mp3

Posted by Timothy at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)