The Definitive Super Bowl Commercials Review, parts three and four

She puts two dashes of the pepper sauces in...whatever that is, and takes a bite. Immediately, she gets burned UNDERNEATH the bikini. Clever trick, but everyone knows you need to dump like half a bottle into whatever you're eating to have it make a difference.

Cheadle is, of course, referring to the moment when the NFL hired him as spokesman.

Woman in airport. People talking. Moving. No talking. Bored people, communicating with each other. That never happens in an airport.

Soon we see the crowd of people applauding a shipment of soldiers whom have apparently arrived from...somewhere. Workers neglect their duties to provide the men and women their just due. But something strange is afoot. What?

A closer look reveals that none of these individuals have names on their jackets. In fact, no armed forces insignias appear anywhere on their clothing or equipment. Are these real U.S. Military?

OR ARE THEY MERCENARIES?

Even worse, they could be freaking terrorists. It would be a damn good idea, walk through an airport to standing ovations...

Look at that one on the left. She has that look in her eye. I can see it!

When you drink Bud Light, you aid the terrorists. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, an extremely frightening mascot is hanging around the stadium. I hope y'all had your kids in bed by now because the Napster kitty, while cute in its Napster 1.0 rendition, is positively scary now that it's gone corporate. And I feel bad for the poor saps sitting behind him. I'm sure that sign provides quite the obstructed view.

These guys painted "NAPSTER" on their chests only because they didn't have enough friends for "BITTORRENT"

Anyway, he kills his cat and tries to serve it to his date, but she catches him in the act. The moral of the story: most meats can be prepared and chilled overnight before cooking.

Are you kidding me? Spot #69 is for Cialis? I *know* they plan this stuff out this way.

Anyway, the entire point of a Cialis ad is waiting for the "four hour erection" blast. I think even the folks in charge know this, because the Cialis slogan is "Are you ready?"

Also, I don't need to see old people making out. Thanks.

Think about that for a while. It's like happy little trees. Shaq gets shrunk too, ... you know, this ad sucked. It just did. It was stupid and annoying. I don't need to make up cheesy jokes to get that point across.

At first, I thought these cars all had those spinner wheels that are all so popular and retarded. Then I realized that everyone and everything in these shots were just spinning their wheels.

As were the people who brainstormed this debacle. (no, no, no).

I did find it interesting that a dog and his walker are doing the Moonwalk. It reminded me of Super Bowl XXVII when Michael Jackson was the halftime entertainment.

Remember that? When Michael Jackson entertained people with his music and not his antics?

Okay, me either.

What's up with the "no aftertaste" thing, anyway? Compared to what? Rubbing alcohol?

I HATE"For everything else there's Mastercard" spots. I think the first one was okay. The rest are just flogging a horse that was dead, reincarnated as Jack Paar, and then died again.

Tonight we're treated to a dinner featuring food mascots chosen, it appears, randomly from a hat. As far as I can tell, there's nothing connecting any of them. And what's up with them keeping the Jolly Green Giant outside? Bitches always keeping the Green man down.

Uh... is that tuna casserole, Charlie? Doing the cannibalsm thing again, I see!

Finally, we're given insight into the class system at Mastercard, as the help clearly does not get to eat until he's finished his cleaning duties.

Daddy says no.

Santa Claus shows up and threatens daddy.

Easter Bunny complains.

Daddy gives up his nuts to his little girl.

Cute ad. I don't eat nuts.

Then again, the tag is "everyone's doing it," which I guess means it was a slow night for the bartenders.